I love you… Just the way you are.

Yesterday was soccer practice. The judgey soccer moms were there in their athletic wear and ran the laps with their kids. Then there was me who missed lunch. Was dressed in all black and had been on her feet creating hair magic for her friend. I had just enough time to run in the house put some extra air in Bug’s soccer ball and then we were out the door to head to soccer. See the JSMs (judgey soccer moms) don’t know that. I don’t know what they did all day. I know I was exhausted and hungry and I saw the looks as they ran past as I glanced up from my book to cheer on my son. But their looks don’t bother me. I’m 36 and pretty confident in who I am.

The look that bothered me was the eye roll and “OMG I can’t believe he is doing that” some JSM’s kid did when my son said “Okay Gurl” in his best Jonathan Van Ness-esque tone with the hand flick towards me. See when I see that kid make that face and glance to his mother for her agreement my mama bear starts to wake up. I wait with bated breath for words to spew. I wait to see if one look becomes more. I wait to see if my son notices and if it bothers him.

See I know at times my son may see a little more feminine than the world may expect a young boy to be. I get he may not appear as athletic as some. He may not be “gifted”. There is a whole lot of things he may not be. He may or may not be Gay, he hasn’t said otherwise. I do know that he is kind, caring, sensitive, a giver, smart, funny, loves video games, is a good friend, loves his family, and loves his cat Diva. I don’t care if he cures disease. I don’t care if he becomes a millionaire. I don’t care if he marries a man. All I care is that he ends up being a decent human being who works hard and gives back when he can. See what my son knows is in this house we love and accept each other for who we are.

I love you Bug…just the way you are. Don’t let the JSMs or their brat kids make you feel anything less than perfect and never lose your sparkle!

I was wrong

My anxiety is such that I have back up plans and more backs up plans. I have thought about worse case scenarios and what I would do just in case. I am not morbid and enjoy this but let Big Red be late from work and I am already thinking worse case scenarios. This line of thinking has often led me to think what the kids and I would do. Where would we go? Would we live here? Would we move? I used to think we would move because we don’t have biological family in Hampton Roads. I was wrong.

I have lived in Hampton Roads for a decade with my closest relatives being 3 hours away. I have family here. I could literally drop the kids off on one particular street and know they have 3 places they can go where they will be loved and cared for. I have people who care about us that could help with computer/ electronic stuff and car stuff. I have a church that I love attending and the kids do too. I have friends and the kids have friends. This is the only home they know. Sissy doesn’t remember living in San Diego. Bug was born here. So while we may feel lost and confused, hurt and angry if worst case happened I would not be alone. We have people. Big Red would have people if the tables were turned.

We wouldn’t have to move. We have people. I don’t know what the future holds but I know that no matter what my family isn’t alone. We have a whole network or people who love and support us. We have our biological families that love us from afar. We also have our family here in Hampton Roads that love us and support us and make our lives so much better and brighter. Thank you my family for helping make HR home for the last 10 years.

Vacation Vibes

Hello from Myrtle Beach, SC! We love it here. This trip was very needed. Big Red has been working hard. His last vacation was 2 years ago when we came the last time. He has had some time off but it has usually been to stay home with the kids while they are out of school. The kids go back to school in just over a week. Sissy is starting middle school and Bug will begin the SOL journey this year. I have been in school for 2 months and am able to take clients. Needless to say we were all due for a little unwinding.

Starting with Bug’s birthday in January we started with putting experience over stuff. We gave the kids season passes to the waterpark near us. Then Zach and I listened to a podcast about investing in memories rather than stuff and it brought it all home for Big Red. This summer he has joined us at the beach and even requested we go to the beach. He was counting down more than anyone for this trip. Memories we have made.

This summer and this trip will be one our kids remember for a very long time. We were able to stay at the Ocean Enclave, a Hilton Grand Vacation resort, thanks to my mother in law. We had a 2 bedroom condo so the kids had their space and we had ours. We bought groceries so we were able to cook in the full kitchen. We did eat out a couple times. We went to the beach but the amount of shells you had to walk across made it very painful and had us missing our beaches. We have played in the pool and enjoyed cocktails poolside. Taken early morning walks on the beach. I drank coffee on the balcony watching the sunrise.

We had a round of mini golf. We did the Pirates Voyage dinner and show and had so much fun. The last time we were here we went to Medevial Times. I think we all enjoyed the Pirates Voyage more. Both are great and worth checking out. Kids wanted to go to Wonder Works and it was so fun. It is very science based so you are having educational fun. Sissy put her brave pants on and did the indoor ropes course. She had so much fun and I could not be more proud. We played laser tag a couple of times. It has been an incredible time with a lot of down time. Mostly there has been laughter and love.

Sissy has let her guard down. She has allowed herself to have fun and enjoy the silly things in life. I have seen her smile more this week than I have since she turned 11. 11 has been hard y’all but more on that another time. Bug is getting ready to have a growth spurt so he has been more tired than normal but still been having so much fun. Big Red and I have been able to talk about stuff other than work, school and the kids.

I love to travel. I love to vacation. I love time with my family. I love my daughter’s smile. I love their freckled faces. I love seeing my children and my husband relax and enjoy a slower pace. I am ready to sleep in my own bed. I am ready to love on my animals. So if you haven’t had one lately take a vacation. Go where your soul can find peace. We certainly have.

Step 1

In December 2017 I became a Stay at Home Mom (again). This was a decision that was made after many considerations but the biggest one being that I was unfulfilled in my current profession and was miserable all the time. I would bring that misery home. My children felt. Big Red felt it the most because we always give the worst to the people we love the most.

This time was for me to be the mom I wanted to be. I have! I am a much better mother. I was able to really think about my children and getting to know who they are. Before this I could not have told you that Sissy is a words person. I could not tell you, and I needed a little help from my friend, that she needs time to decompress after school because she is miserable there and before she can dive into homework and chores she needs to watch Food Network and just come into herself. I have been able to go on field trips and keep up with appointments.

My marriage has been able to be a focus and not something that gets left to whenever I have time and am not exhausted. I have been able to really be the cheerleader my husband needs. We are not perfect but we are so much better than before.

The biggest thing that came out this time was being able to figure out where I go from her. What is my vision for my family, for my career, and my life. I tried to go back to work a few times when it looked like the start were aligning but it never panned out the way I thought it would. I took that as a sign that maybe nursing really was not for me. I was not excited about going back to work as a nurse but more for the money and what that meant for my family. So if I don’t want to be a nurse what do I want to do?

So what am I passionate about? What makes me so excited? What do I love to do? What do I fill my time with? I love to be creative. Makeup makes me so excited. I love thinking about what I am going to put on my face and then figuring out my outfit and hair from there. I believe in being a good friend and lending a helping hand. I want to help women feel good about who they are and be their cheerleader as they figure out their purpose. So how do I get to do all those things? I am not entirely sure but I have a plan.

I won’t go into all of it right now but I will say the first step is cosmetology school. Being the absolute best. Practicing and studying every chance I can so I can make sure that I make Deans List. I am saying it right here, right now. No excuses I have the support of some really amazing people. They are willing to be my clients as I learn. They are willing to entertain my children so I can study and go to school without worry about what they are doing this summer. Big Red is just as excited as I am to get started. I cannot remember a time I was this excited about anything.

Next week is the last week of freedom before I start school. I really wish we could skip past it. I am going to take this time to spend some time with my family. Maybe pull the kids out early. Go to lunch with them. I am going to help a friend get ready to move. I am having a breakfast for the ladies who helped me get my scholarship for school. I am preparing myself, my family, and my home for the changes that will come. Step one of Crieda’s plan for the future is school! Stay tuned for what is to come.

The Dream

I am a Dreamer! I am just not very good a seeing the steps to get to my dreams to come to fruition. (Tiffany if you are reading this I will be picking your brain in a couple of weeks.) So if anyone wants to be my life coach and keep me headed in the right direction I am accepting applications. Also I am not paying you because I have big dreams and expensive tastes.

So what is the dream? First I want a career in the beauty industry. I also have a passion in my heart for helping women achieve their highest potential. I fully believe if I am winning and my fellow Queens are winning than we can and will run the world. (Insert Beyonce “Who Runs The World”.) To get started I am going to cosmetology school. I do not know what lies in store for me after graduation but I am going to challenge myself to learn it all and will work to the highest level of achievement in school. I know I will fail but I will learn, I will grow, and I will succeed but that is the only option on the table.

Second I want to travel, a lot. I love vacation! I love exploring new places. I love going to the same place and exploring something new. I want to see the world. I want to show my kids the world. I want to go on safari in Africa. I want to lay on the beach in Figi. Climbed the green hills of Ireland. I want to traipse around London and pretend I am about to head off to Hogwarts. I want ride in a classic car around Havana. I want trips to Disney, Hollywood, and San Diego Comic Con. I don’t think I will ever mark everything off my bucket list because as my kids get older and have families I will want to experience it all again with them.

Third I want a house. I don’t want to settle on this one. I want a house big enough to hold my family, animals, and maybe a visitor or two. I want a chef’s kitchen. I want a master bedroom with a fire place and a master bath big enough for me and Big Red to get ready and not bump into one another. I want a tub separate from the shower. I want the shower to have spouts all around and be open. I want to soak in the tub after a long day. I want the laundry upstairs. I want a breakfast nook and a dining room. I want a space for my kids to entertain my friends but separate from the living room. I want a work space. I want Big Red to have an office where he can shut the door. I want this house on a piece of property that makes me feel like I am back in the country but close enough to Target and all the other places I like to frequent. I want a patio with an outside kitchen, wood burning pizza oven included, that looks like a Mexican Cantina. I would also like a natural pool, you know ones that look like a pond. Want to come over and drink Margaritas and swim?

Lastly, I want a big white wedding. But Crieda you are already married? So, not so much a wedding but a vow renewal because well I am not giving up Big Red. I want the dress, the flowers, the vows, the cake, the food, the margaritas and all the other concoctions served at the bar, the friends, and the celebration of my love for Big Red. See if you remember correctly I did not get that almost 13 years ago. I want my day and I want it my way.

I have dreams, big, expensive dreams. Those dreams mean I need to get back to work. However, I am done working. You know that expression do something you love and you will never work a day in your life. So I am not done earning money but I am done settling for something that I don’t love. I am done thinking my dreams are silly and can never be reached. So I am moving forward with my dreams. I may not know all the hows and whys of it all but I know where I need to start. It may not always be pretty or easy but am willing to put in the effort.

Life Update

Man has it been a long time. I write as an outlet but sharing publicly has me being hesitant to put it all out there. I want to protect my family and value their privacy. So lets update the world.

Shortly after the first of the year we found out that the people who own our home, we rent, were selling it. We needed to find a new place but had time because we had a lease to get us through the school year. However, it has meant opening our home to strangers so they could look at the house. It was requested we leave during these times. The invasion of privacy having people come in and look through my home was beyond stressful. We had to keep the house ready to show which meant not being able to just live in our home. There was always the stress of picking up and making sure my schedule allowed for me to leave my home. I will admit I am not the best housekeeper sometimes. I also admit that my family lives here and sometimes we make a mess and at the end of a long day I want to leave it for tomorrow. Well, we got some good news. An investor wanted to buy the house contingent on us renewing our lease. So, we did. This gives us time to really figure out our next step. Are we going to make Virginia Beach our forever home? We have lived here for 10 years. Are we going to take on a new adventure (in Florida)? Having the stress of being uncomfortable in our home and the stress of finding somewhere new to live really put a light on what we want our life to look like.

Girl Scout cookie season is my least favorite season. It starts in early January and goes until the end of March. This will be the last weekend. I have an amazing sister/friend/co-leader that helps to manage the chaos. This season has been a roller coaster and has me really wondering if it is worth it. Guess we will know soon enough when it is all over and we can see our profits. I do know that I can’t do it alone. I know that I would not want to do it with anyone else but my co.

Sissy is doing all city choir. She is so excited. Oh and she turned 11! Bug is doing soccer and having a blast. His first game he seemed scared but then took a ball to the gut. Once he recovered he was all in. Think he just needed to face his fears and see it was not so bad. These kids keep me busy and keep me questioning my sanity but also help me hold onto it. They will never know how much they influence me to be better.

I have been going to the gym. Not super consistantly. I am trying to find that sweet time of day that I can go and not be overwhelmed by people but also not lose the motivation to go. Exercise is the best antidepressant for me. I had a sciatica flare up and recovering from that has been a long process. It made me realize that I needed to make some serious changes. I need to put my nutrition in the forefront along side my exercise. My body cannot handle all this extra weight and it is literally screaming. So I signed up for weight watchers. While I am not big on points for tracking it really helps me look at my foods and consider them in my daily life. So until I feel I have been able to break some bad habits and create lasting, sustainable habits I will plug along with this. Plus, I am paying money for it and I hate wasting money. Oh that reminds me no one ate leftovers and I need to clean out the fridge.

Have a great day!

Thank You Single Me

I was scrolling through facebook, avoiding adulting, and saw a friend posted about new beginnings and a new relationship. I am happy for her and sincerely hope it works out, with this guy and this time. See she is and has always been that friend who is never single for long. She is a beautiful person inside and out. Some of her relationships have lasted for years. However, she is always madly in love with the next guy not too long after one relationship ends. I bring this up because everytime she posts about the new man in her life I am reminded that in our senior predictions of where we and our fellow classmates would be 10 years after high school she predicted I would still be searching for the man of my dreams. That was a hard pill to swallow back then, but see I was the normally single friend. 5 years after graduating high school I married Big Red and here we are 12.5 years later still going strong. So, at that 10 year mark I was married and had 2 children. She had been married, divorced, and a few other relationships.

I don’t say this to say I am better or my way is better. She is happy, or appears to be, and that is all I could ever want for my friend. I am happy and I hope that is what she wants for me. I remark on the differences because I want to say thank you to her, our youth, and single me. Maybe, subconsciously, I was learning from my friend to wait for what I want and deserved. Maybe from her I learned to be a little more cautious with my feelings. Single me taught me how to enjoy my own company. Single me taught me to enjoy my friends. Single me taught me that a man’s love for me doesn’t fill a void in my life but adds to my life. I learned from past relationships what I wanted and waited until I got it. Single me taught me to be happy with those that would love me through my best and my worst.

So, while my friend has found happiness and I sincerely hope it lasts I am reminded what she said. I can’t help but to notice the difference in our lives. My path has been right for me. Her path is right for her. I honestly believe that my path was to Big Red and our life together. Maybe her love is so big and grand that more people need it than have needed mine. I hope she is happy. I am and I know I am because of single me. Thank you single me for loving me before anyone else could and protecting me from a whole lot of bad romances.

Happy New Year

It is New Year’s Eve and so many of us are looking back on this year and I see a lot of mixed reviews. For me it started out rough and but seems to finishing better and brighter than ever.

2018 started out a little rough. Some of my friendships that I heavily relied on changed and as such the people I started 2018 with I am not ending with. Big Red’s grandmother passed. This was a blow to the heart. It was also a wake up call.  She was the first of his grandparents to pass and I think we both just kind of assumed they would all always be there. Sissy turned 10 but her attitude turned 16. April saw me travelling to New Mexico after 17 years to meet and start forming relationships with people I barely knew. As the year progressed my circle of friends changed and I can honestly say I am not feeling as alone or left out as I was. My dear friend of over a decade is back in my life and I think we are both so glad to have each other again and able to watch our families grow together. Through her I met a couple of other amazing people. My son’s circle of friends seems to be growing  which is something that I think he struggled with because he is usually the odd man out as he is normally outnumbered by the girls. Fortnite has taken over but it has Bug dancing around everywhere which makes us all laugh. Sissy’s door is closed more than ever before but she still needs her mama from time to time and as long as I can open her door I am ok with this change. Trust and believe I will bust down her door if I have to, literal and figurative. Big Red has been challenged with new roles and position at work. We have had to figure out how to balance our relationship with all the other stuff life is made of. It hasn’t been easy or very pretty but it has been worth it. I found a love and passion in makeup that I never really knew was there. This has my collection growing but thank goodness Ikea is about to open so I can organize me life. haha.

I don’t expect just because I have to hang a new calendar that my whole world will change. It won’t. I am going to continue what I started this year and just prioritize me and my resources in positive ways. I will put my family and their needs first and foremost. I will continue to try and cultivate friendships and relationships that bring value to both parties. I will pursue my passion. I will encourage my children and husband to do the same. I will continue to write. I will continue to create. I am going to take better care of myself, my body is not happy with me lately. 2019 is not going to be a year of change. There is no new year, new me. There is only me. I take all that I have learned, lost, and gained in 2018 into the new year with me.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I hope that 2018 has blessed and challenged you. I hope 2019 brings you further along your journey and allows you the chance to explore yourself and the world around you. Happy New Year!

 

This Christmas

I was out doing the last of my Christmas shopping. I was at my first stop. I was walking around Wal-Mart crossing things off my list when I got a text that stopped me in my tracks. Something that had me questioning why I was running around when really the wrapped gifts under the tree are the least important part of the season.

See my dear friend of 17 years texted me to tell me that her grandfather passed away. She is not the first of my friends to lose a grandparent during this magical season. It almost seems impossible that something like that should happen because of all the decor and happiness that is going on around us. While I was running around trying to find all the perfect gifts my friend’s heart was breaking. See he was more than a grandfather to her. He raised her and she loved him in a way that a little girl would love her father.

This simple text made me step back mentally and take stalk of what this season is meant to be. It is not about the gifts. It is not about the cookies and gingerbread. It is not about the stupid elf. It is about the ones you love. See as a mom I am the magic maker of Christmas in our house. But yesterday all I wanted was to snuggle with my family, hold them tight, and love them.

I recently posted on my Instagram a picture of a picture of me and my Gram. It was taken at Christmas time. I said all the things I would have done if I had know it would be my last Christmas with her. None of those things were running around getting presents and stressing myself out. This man who is no longer with us lived a full life and has family that will feel the impact of his loss while the rest of us are moving on. If they knew last year it would be the last Christmas I am sure there were some things they would have done more of and some less of.

See this Christmas my friend’s table will have a little more space. The space he filled in her life will be empty. Her family will still be trying to process and adapt to a life without him when we all wake up to our stockings on Christmas morning. So as I sit here knowing I will see my friend in a couple of days. I will give my condolences to her mom, aunts, and grandmother. I am also going to do my best to get less caught up in what I think I have to do to make Christmas magical but do what I know I have to and that is love my family. Spend quality time with the ones I love. I will do those traditions that mean the most and not stress about making it to this or that Christmas event, concert, etc. I am going to make time to sit and watch Elf and Rudolph because we love those movies.

This Christmas I will give my heart to those that matter most. I will give my time to the things that really matter. I challenge you to do the same.

I Like My Dog More Than I Like You!

I love animals. I would love to live on a large piece of land with a bunch of animals. I used to dream of turning the property I grew up on into a dog rescue. I have always had dogs. When I had a miscarriage before Bug was conceived I needed something to love but did not have the time to give proper training and love to another dog, we had one at the time. So we got Emma (mama). She turned me into a cat lover.

We currently have 1 dog Daisy Mae and 2 cats, Mama and Diva. My animals live in our home. They eat, sleep, and do their business within the boundaries of our home/yard. They are members of our family. If my house was burning down I would make sure my children were safe and then my animals and then any material possessions I might be able to save. We have had tornado warnings I have had to think about where we would hide with our animals for safety. When they are not acting right I worry about them the same as I do Sissy and Bug. I have spent many hours worrying about their bowel movements. I walk Daisy Mae on the street for a portion of our walk because there is glass on the sidewalk and I don’t want her getting glass in her paw. You see my maternal instinct does not just run to my kids and my friend’s kids when they are over but to my animals as well.

I say this because do not come to my home and expect that magically they do not exist. Do not come to my home and expect me to shut them in a room somewhere. If you are scared of animals my home is not the place for you. I would not ask you to get rid of your kids if I came over to your house, even is they are total a*holes. Do not expect that because you are afraid, nervous, unsure of animals that mine will magically be somewhere else if you come to my house.

This I can promise you. Daisy Mae will get excited and will wag her tail and dance around when she sees you. She will sniff you relentlessly. She has been trained not to jump on people but in her old age and excitement sometimes she forgets but she will be put in her place if she does. She may lick your hand but not your face. She may sit next to you on the couch. If you sit in her spot she will throw some shade your way. When you are first walking up to my house you may hear her bark. She is letting us know that someone is coming, that is her job. Once that door is open and she is able to sniff you she will not bark. I have no doubt if you tried to harm her kids she would get defensive. She doesn’t like it when we play rough with them. She is a member of this family and you are not. Mama and Diva could care less if you are here or not. They may come by and let you pet them. They may stay far away. Mama’s dander causes me to have allergic reactions. Guess what she is still here. She will always be here. I have learned to keep benadryl in the house for when things get bad and I have gotten used to being just a little congested all the time. If I am allergic to my cat and yet I still love her and keep her around what makes you think just because you are coming over for a visit I will keep her out of your sight. I won’t.

Please educate yourself and your children about domestic animals and how to act around them. Teach them to ask the owner before approaching a dog they do not know. Teach them that not all dogs are mean and they have to be taught to be that way. Teach them that cats could care less about them. Your visit to my home will be a lot less stressful if you do. See I love my animals. I like you just enough to allow you into my home. The people I love love my animals too and they know how things roll in this house.

“Until one has loved an animal a part of one’s soul remains unawakened.” -Anatole France